what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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