My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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