my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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