I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
