wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
