I wish I could teleport
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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