Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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