Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
