Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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