I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
