the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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