4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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