My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
