he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm really busy with my period
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