i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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