How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
