"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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