you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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