Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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