im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
