The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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