After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
