I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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