Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
