A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The uberlube is also flammable
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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