Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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