So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
