i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
