i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
