put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
