he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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