He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
