then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
