'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
