i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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