Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
