we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
