According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
not ubering you a puppy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
