I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
