Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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