I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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