um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
