Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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