Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
