I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
