You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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