Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
