I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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