life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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