dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
