never play flip cup with pint glasses
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
