Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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