Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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