my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
