Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
