Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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