1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
