Got a toothbrush?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
