When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
